B A R R Y L A N D .



emails from GOD.








you've heard it talked about, but what is it, and what do we do with it?

anna k.
a few luminous passages that show you why it's a certified Great Book

the sceptered isle.
diaries from my adventure in sunny england

coffee eucharist.
an outdoor whiff of coffee brings back a lost Eden

a dense meal from the English language's father superior

bow ties.
why the real ones that you tie are sexier, and how to do it

observations on what my life is going to be like


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Every tragedy gets people to turning off their brains, and of course Littleton is no exception. There's been a rash of emails lately that attempt to show that Littleton is the direct result of the ban on public prayers in public schools. Some of these even put their bad theology in the mouth of God. Since I and many others are so against it, for good reason, I thought it would be fun to answer in kind.

So, I talked to God and asked him to email me his own thoughts, and he very kindly, and promptly, did. I guess that's why he rulz!


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F A L S E   E M A I L S

  Dear God,
Why didn't you save the children of the Littleton school?

  Dear Student,
I am not allowed in schools.



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H I S   T R U T H

That is not at all how it went, My son. Here's the real series of replies I sent, but each was rejected by the censor.

  Dear God,
Why didn't you save the children of the Littleton school?


  Dear Student,
I did.


  Dear Student,
Are you saying you wish Cassie *weren't* with me now?


  Dear Student,
Do not believe the propagandists who tell you I am "not allowed" in schools. The government that thinks it can "allow" is the government that thinks it can "disallow." I was right there all along, and those people were praying to me openly, as were many all across the nation. Notice that they weren't using a taxpayer-funded microphone to broadcast half-baked, insincere, Jesus-less, one-size-fits-all ecumenical "prayers" at a game or a graduation, but were instead praying real, private prayers to Me, freely and fervently, and according to their individual consciences, as it should be.


  Dear Student,
I think I liked it better when Baptists were the *victims* of attempts at state-sponsored religion, instead of the perpetrators.



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Actually, this really was written by an actual 12-year-old girl in Boston. It is only My reply (see below) that was expurgated by the censor.

Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule.
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.
If Scripture now the class recites
It violates the Bill of Rights.
Anytime my head I bow
Becomes a federal matter now.
The law is specific; the law is precise.
Praying out loud is no longer nice.
Praying aloud in a public hall
Upsets those who believe in nothing at all.
In silence alone we can meditate
And if God should get the credit-great!
They are bringing their guns;
I don't dare bring my Bible,
To do so, might make me liable.
So, now Oh Lord, this plea I make;
Should I be shot in school,
My soul please take.

Yuck! This is exactly the kind of prayer I hate. It's not even really addressed to Me: it's for the benefit of some manipulative sentimentalist's political agenda. Sorry. But it really ticks me off. You know, I haven't smitten anyone with the rod of my righteous vengeance in a long time....


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H I S   R E P L Y

If you lived in mainland China,
I don't think you'd be such a whine-a.
Prayer is not against the law
In your great country — Any smaw
Or large amount of folks can draw
Together and pray how they wish.
But your forefathers knew that Ish-
Ma-el, Soon-Li and Kwesi Mkekted
Could one day be the ones elected,
Representing he and she:
And then what kind of prayers would be
Enforced in tax-supported schools?
So that is why you have these rules
That people do not have to bow
Their heads politely while some sow
Recites that which they don't believe.
And if you think that some reprieve
From guns and murder would ensue
If all school students had to bend
To your beliefs, then think again:
For it was not too long ago's
That Roger Williams felt the toes
When they did force him out of Mass-
achusetts, not to mention Tor-
quemada's men in days of yore
Who tortured, raped and burned at stake
Most everyone who didn't fake
An interest in their Catholic God.
So my instruction's rather odd:
Look on your T-shirt I see
W. W. J. D.?
What *would* my Son the Savior do?
Did He one measly time tell you
To pray from public stage or throne,
Or fighting for the microphone?
No dice, my friend, just the op-pos-ite: